How Do You Ask for Forgiveness, When What You Have Done Is Unforgivable?
I’ve written in my journal, I’ve sat in silence playing it over in my mind. I’ve sat down on the floor in the shower, the water washing over me, all the time I feel nothing.
I know I should be feeling grief, pain, anger, anguish, self-hate, but right then I felt nothing. Just an emptiness in my head, as my once smart, clever, deceptive mind which would have had all the words to form together to convince failed me and instead, all I had was blankness.
Sometimes telling the truth can be the hardest thing in the world to do, even harder when you’re half a world away and you know it’d be all too easy for that person you love to just cut you out completely from your life.
The guilt sits with me, there in my stomach, I’ve been forced to address what I’ve done but there is nobody to blame but myself. I retch and shake with the realization of what is about to happen. I know the consequences, and I ask myself what made me do it?
What pushed my mind to think this was a good idea? Is my sub-conscious mind sabotaging me and like the devil on my shoulder telling me all of the right things, while the venom sinks in on the other side of my mind, unbeknown to me?
Is this feeling coming from a place of fear? Am I scared to love? Has it been that before in the past, I’ve never really felt true love and that’s why it’s never been an issue?
Now that I’m faced with a truly meaningful love that is unlike anything I could ever have hoped for am I bringing my childhood fears back around to face me? Do I know that deep down I don’t deserve to be loved so sub-consciously jeopardize it?
Looking deep at myself and trying to understand the actions I make has always been difficult, my mind doesn’t work like that. It just acts, often leaving other people hurt in the wake.
I’ve been branded selfish, egotistical, hateful, narcissistic, uncaring and yet I’ve also been labeled caring, kind, thoughtful, loving and with a good heart.
What Do I Believe?
Do I believe none of it, or do I believe all of it? Who’s right and who is wrong? Why do my actions always lead others to be hurt, and why do I not look hard at myself and realize this.
People I love may read this and feel like sending me messages of love and reassurance, and people who I’ve hurt may read this and feel like reaching out and reassuring me that I’m the devil and I deserve this pain.
The relationships and trust you build and break through life always has a way of coming back around, and nothing is every truly broken and irreparable and also nothing is every completely secure and safe.
All I’m Left Wondering Is, How Do You Ask Forgiveness When What You’ve Done Is Unforgivable?
All I can do is ask for forgiveness. To people I’ve hurt, to people I’m going to hurt unintentionally. I ask for forgiveness to the ones I love, please know that I reach out with my whole heart and want you to know that I’m working on myself.
Travelling hasn’t changed me, it’s just shown me the person that I am. It’s shown me the person I don’t want to be, and also the person I want to be.
This might not be the appropriate place to talk about this, as this is my blog, my business, my home and my everything I’ve been working on to try and grow a life for myself beyond what I ever thought was possible.
But in that process, I feel it’s impossible to not share what I’m truly feeling.
There is no right and wrong. They are societal beliefs that we set up. Nothing is truly unforgivable, there is but our feelings, and how we feel.
People’s minds are strong, and through any mistake that is made, there is always a solution that can be formed. All it takes is two people to want to make that change.
It might be that it isn’t possible, and what I’ve done isn’t forgivable. All I want is a chance to prove that trust isn’t irreparable.
I’m Going to Put in the Work to Make It Right
Every day I’m working on being the best possible person I can be, and it takes telling the truth and hurting people to come out and become that best person. Lies are easy, deception is easy, hiding the truth is easy, standing up and telling someone the hard truth can almost kill you.
But in the long game that is life, it’s the right thing to do. I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know if I can make it right. All I can vow is I know the mistakes I’ve made, and I’m going to pay for them for the rest of my life.
In the quiet moments, they come to you. When all other thoughts have left your head, and the guilt sits on you. Knowing you’ve thrown away some of the best chances of your life will sit on a person forever.
But all it takes is a little faith. It just takes one moment, one breathe, one person to want to work at it, and anything is possible.
And all I can really say, is how truly sorry I am and to ask for forgiveness.
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